


My heart is broken

by redangeleve



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Hux and Ren had been lovers, Hux tries to kill Rey, Kylo Ren died, M/M, Not Beta Read, but he didn't kiss Rey, but he fails and is sent to prison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23227660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redangeleve/pseuds/redangeleve
Summary: "It doesn't bring back the dead if we hold on to them," Rey said softly. "only if we let them go can we find peace." "Spare me this!" Hux hissed angrily. "You have no right to talk like that. Not to me. Not after what you did. It should have been you who died, not him. How could he trade his life for yours? Of all the people in the galaxy, it had to be you! How could he?! Why save my life, only to die himself and leave me all alone?!"
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren
Comments: 9
Kudos: 44





	My heart is broken

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [My heart is broken](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22975555) by [redangeleve](https://archiveofourown.org/users/redangeleve/pseuds/redangeleve). 



My heart is broken

I can't go on living this way  
But I can't go back the way I came  
Shamed of this fear that I will never find  
A way to heal my soul  
And I will wander 'till the end of time  
Half a life without you

(Evanescence, My heart is broken)

It was fascinating to see how life went on in the galaxy. Most of the beings had no idea of the battle that had raged on Exegol just a few weeks ago and which would have changed all their lives forever if it had ended differently. But it was a good thing. They weren't supposed to know. They should live their lives. Just like she was going to do now. Rey enjoyed being immersed in the mass of aliens. No one recognized her or gave her more than a curious glance. It was so narrow in the alleys that she had come closer to the population than she had planned, but since the young woman did not perceive any malicious vibrations in the Force, it was okay for her. The market pulsed with activity. It was full of strange languages, sounds and smells that almost invited Rey to experience it with all her senses. Actually, she had only wanted to make a refueling stop at Yavin five but now she had been here for two days and she wasn't averse to adding another day. In contrast to her friends, who continued to support the cause of the former resistance, Rey had needed a time-out. A chance to clear her head, to process what she had experienced and to decide how to go on. So she had simply flown into the blue. Had let herself drift and made a stop when it seemed right to her. The landlord in the cantina where she had eaten today had recommended the bathhouses of the neighboring town very much to her, which were heated with hot springs straight from inside the moon and as Rey thought about it, a bath would be just what she needed at the moment. 

She only saw the sudden movement out of the corner of her eye as she was checking out a belt at a stall, but her senses had immediately grasped the danger. The man had disguised his face with a cloth that he had wrapped around his head, but something about the way he moved seemed vaguely familiar to her. Her first thought was the lightsaber she carried on her belt, but there were too many people around her to use it safely. Instead, she used the Force the moment the attacker drew his blaster and knocked the weapon out of his fingers to let it fly into her own hand instead. An angry sound escaped the man, but instead of fleeing, he pounced on her. At the last moment, Rey saw the dagger flashing in his right hand, but this time she didn't need the help of her abilities, but kicked him in the upper body with such force that he collapsed in front of her and dropped the dagger. Immediately Rey was above him, grabbed the man by the jacket and tore off his camouflage.

"General Hux?"

Surprise was on her face when she recognized him after a moment. He didn't look at all like on the propaganda posters of the First Order. If it hadn't been for the striking red hair, Rey would never have thought that it was the dreaded Starkiller who was standing opposite her here - or in the meantime rather squatting opposite her. If she was honest, he didn't just look bad, he looked almost desolate. His hair had certainly not seen a comb for days and his face was overgrown by a feral, unkempt beard. The hands that had reached for her were rough and dirty, with splintered fingernails. He had exchanged his formerly immaculate uniform for civilian clothes, although the faded shirt, stained trousers and worn jacket had probably seen better days. From the way he squatted, the young woman could see that he avoided putting weight on his left leg, and although she had not kicked so hard, he kept his body bent as if in pain. Only his eyes were still as hard and cold as they had always been.

"It's only Hux these days," he replied bitingly, while he glared at her from below. "The general went down with the First Order ships."

That's what Rey had thought until today. That Hux, like most officers in the battle for Exegol, had lost his life. Many of the ships had crashed onto the planet, smoking debris full of dead soldiers, but what was left of the huge Stardestroyers drifted through the infinity of space as giant skeletons. There had been salvage missions to get possible survivors and the technology that was still usable out of the debris, but as far as Rey knew, the units had only found dead bodies. Every crew member who survived had fled with the escape pods before the situation got out of control. The rest of the crew had died either from the failing life-support systems, the explosions as a result of the fighting, or the toxic fumes that were released from charred pipes and burning generators. The dead that could be identified had been recorded and catalogued for the files, but many had been burned beyond recognition, so there was no way to know for sure who the bodies were. Hux's remains had never been found beyond doubt, but given the mass of dead, this was not unusual. He had been just one of many missing officers. Of course, there had always been those voices that just wouldn't shut up and claimed that the General had fled in time and was now gathering a new force in some remote corner of the galaxy, but Rey had always dismissed this talk as crazy.

But as she had to realize now, he had indeed survived, even if only barely. How could he believe that he could kill her? Even on his best day, Rey would have been vastly superior to him, but in his current state he was no opponent for her even if she had fought blindfolded. "Why?" she demanded to know. "Why didn't you just go into hiding and start a new life?"

"You dare to ask that?" Hux bared his teeth. "Because you took everything from me! My purpose, my reason for being, my life, everything!"

Stunned, Rey shook her head. "You should have left all this behind instead of continuing to indulge this pointless hatred."

"To do what? Thanks to you, I'm nothing anymore. No general, no commander, no soldier, no lover..." Hux blushed when he realized that he had said too much, but immediately after that he tightened up, to reaffirm. "I am nothing anymore. Then where do you think I should go?"

Only now did Rey realize that he was not only talking about his status. His whole aura pulsated with pain, grief, loss. Obviously, he had lost far more than just his ship. Someone close to him, someone he had loved had died in that battle and it was making him mad to be without him. A feeling she had previously assumed he wasn't even capable of. Hux, who had brought death to billions of people. Who had wiped out an entire planetary system without a second thought. Who had sent thousands of soldiers into battle without batting an eyelid. How could such a man be able to feel something like love? After what he had done, he deserved far worse than this pain, but feeling it through the force as if it was her own made Rey still feel a certain amount of pity for him.

"It doesn't bring back the dead if we hold on to them," she said softly. "only if we let them go can we find peace."

"Spare me this!" Hux hissed angrily. "You have no right to talk like that. Not to me. Not after what you did. It should have been you who died, not him. How could he trade his life for yours? Of all the people in the galaxy, it had to be you! How could he?! Why save my life, only to die himself and leave me all alone?!"

At first Rey didn't understand what Hux was saying. It didn't make sense, it was incoherent drivel. Only fragments that she lacked context to until the puzzle pieces in her head fell into place one by one and suddenly she knew. Saw it crystal clear in front of herself, as if he called him by the name. Ben. He was talking about Ben Solo, or as he called him: Kylo Ren. It was absurd. It was impossible. Two of the most dangerous men in the galaxy, supposedly united in nothing but their hatred, and yet she knew with unshakable certainty that it was true. That they loved each other. She could see it in Hux's eyes when he looked at her. The look that burned as if he had a fever. And maybe he did. It would explain the shaking of his hands and the wet marks on the collar of his shirt.

"There was good in him," Rey tried to explain, hoping that knowing that would make his suffering a little more bearable. "By saving me, he found the peace he longed for."

But her words did not have the desired effect. Instead, they only seemed to make Hux more angry when he stared at her, as if he wanted to go for her throat the next moment. "Do not speak of him as if you knew him! You know nothing, nothing at all. I served at his side for six years. I stood beside him on the bridge, planned battles with him, fought at his side, fell asleep beside him. You have no right to say you know what he longed for!"

"No, maybe I didn't," Rey admitted. "But I can't change what he did. He didn't ask me if I wanted to be saved, but I'm grateful for it. Grateful to be alive. It's a gift, Hux. His gift."

Disgusted, Hux pulled a face. "Go to hell." No matter what Rey said, she would not bring him peace. She could feel that he was finished with life. At best, he had hoped to take the revenge he longed so much for, but even in the event of failure, the chances of finding death at her hands had been good. Hux wanted to die, she could feel that clearly. Perhaps his cowardice kept him from ending his life himself, but he would have welcomed it with joy if she had killed him. But she would not do him that favour. She was not like that. She would hand him over to the leadership of the former resistance, to Finn and Poe, who now both served as generals on Corouscant, where he would be put on trial. Even though it was almost certain that his death would be at the end of this trial as well, it was the law that then sentenced him to it and not lost vigilante justice.

It filled Rey with the certainty of doing the right thing when she came to this realization, so she decided to get it over with as quickly as possible. Even though none of the aliens on the market seemed to have any interest in them after the incident, Rey didn't want to put it off any longer than necessary. While she pulled him to his feet with her free hand, she still aimed his blaster at him with the other one when she said: "Come on. We'll go to my ship. I think there are some people who will be very surprised to see you among the living." 

Although you could see, that Hux would have preferred her to shoot him on the spot, he offered no resistance when she grabbed him by the arm and directed him towards the spaceport. In the beginning, they made slow progress through the dense crowd of the market, but even after they had left the narrow streets behind them, they couldn't walk as fast as Rey was used to. Obviously, Hux's every step was painful, so he walked with a limp, but he didn't complain, nor did he ask her to walk slower. Thanks to the stars, the spaceport wasn't far away, yet his face showed some relief when they reached Rey's ship. A barely perceptible groan escaped his lips as he dropped onto one of the shuttle's seats where she tied his hands and feet. He said nothing more after that. He asked neither for food nor drink, but sat there with a motionless face, waiting for them to reach Corouscant. 

XXXXXX

"Did he talk?" Rey asked when she entered the briefing room.

Finn shook his head. "No, but I'm not even sure if he knows anything that matters." There wasn't much more Hux could have told them. Except perhaps the whereabouts of one or the other First Order officer, who may also have escaped. But if what Rey thought was true, Hux hadn't come in contact with any First Order officers since his rescue. It was likely that the officers had set aside some of their pay to be secured for later life, but if that was the case, Hux had never received that money. Apart from the blaster, he had nothing of value on him, his clothes had been dirty and ragged, and the scans at the infirmary had confirmed that he must have been sick since the battle. His bandages had probably not been changed for days, so that the wounds on his leg and chest had become inflamed and full of pus. He had been feverish, malnourished and dehydrated. If he had not been treated in prison, it was quite possible that he would not have lived much longer. But even though he was likely to be executed anyway, all measures had to be taken to ensure that he would be rehabilitated until his trial. This was the law. Even a potential mass murderer like Hux had a right of food and medical care. 

Since he had boarded their shuttle with Rey, the former general had not spoken a word. When he was alone, he sat lethargically in his cell on the bed and stared into space, as if he was just waiting for the day when the firing squad would put an end to his life. He ate mechanically, drank mechanically and washed himself as well. Only when he was questioned about the remains of the First Order did some life seem to come back into his body. Then he glared at the officer who interrogated him just as hard and unyielding as he had done before and his body was taut as before. Even though it was not her job, Rey had seen many video shots from his cell. She told herself that she did it to make sure he wouldn't escape but she knew she was lying to herself. She couldn't help herself, had to check on him as if he had become her responsibility from the moment he tried to kill her. Even though she never visited him, she would watch over him as long as his imprisonment lasted. But it was not the images from the cell that haunted her when she left the prison wing and went to her own quarters. 

No, it was rather the things that could not be seen with the naked eye. Things that got under her skin. Things that no one but herself would ever know. Because he would never show them to anyone. If Hux knew that she could feel what he felt, he would probably wish her death even more. But she couldn't help it, hadn't chosen to let his thoughts touch her through the Force whenever he was at his most vulnerable. Especially at night, when it was too dark in the cell to see a hand in front of his eyes and Hux lay with his back to the room and had pulled the blanket over his face, she could feel him crying. He did it without making a sound, without his shoulders moving or his chest being shaken by sobs. They were silent tears, testimonies of his humanity. His pain, his loneliness and his despair. Even after he had been locked up in prison for weeks, his loss seemed like an open wound whose pain just wouldn't go away. Yet she said nothing as his suffering followed her into her sleep. Didn't tell anyone. It would not have been right. It was nobody's business. Not even when she began to see images that came from his mind. Private images that were not meant for her and that Hux had kept under lock and key until grief had washed them to the surface.

XXXXXX

"What do you think about a farm?" said Kylo Ren with a look on his face that Rey had never seen on him before. He was lying on a bed in a room with little light, chest bare and wearing only pants, eating some strange fruit from a bowl. 

"You're kidding," Hux had replied with a quiet laugh.

"Why not?" Ren asked and he grinned. "You know, my uncle's uncle was a moisture farmer on Tatooine."

Rey could sense that Hux was rolling his eyes when he answered, "Are we talking about the same uncle who betrayed you?"

"Don't change the subject, Hux." Playfully, Ren nudged the other man against his biceps as he said these words.

Hux tried to pull himself together and seriously considered Ben's statement, before he chose his own words carefully. "I can't imagine that it would really satisfy you to raise animals or grow crops or run a moisture farm for all eternity."

Lost in thought, Ren rolled a dark red berry between his thumb and forefinger before putting it in his mouth. "I do. Once I killed Palpatine."

This was obviously not the answer Hux had expected. "But what about balance? Order? The end of chaos in the galaxy?"

Sighing, Ren placed the bowl with the fruits on the nightstand and turned to his side to give the general all his attention. "Life is chaos, Hux. That's what I've learned these past few years. To end that chaos would be to end life itself."

In Hux's head pulsed with confusion, disbelief and bewilderment. "So you really want to quit."

"I am tired, Hux," Kylo Ren confessed as he reached out his hand and involuntarily stroked the red hair on Hux's forearm. "I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to find a quiet place where I can live - with you, if you can imagine it."

The very thought frightened Hux. Never in his life had the possibility occurred to him to leave the path he had chosen. "I don't know. The First Order has always been everything to me."

"Then it's time you find something else," Ren encouraged the other man. "The First Order is not what you want to see in it anymore. It has changed and not for the better. You gotta break with it, Hux, or it'll break you someday."

Ren was not entirely wrong, Hux knew that, but it was not as simple as the other man thought. "And how are we gonna do that? Disappear? It's not really like we're wanted all over the galaxy."

But Ren did not let his confidence be taken away. "Nobody knows my face, and as for you, grow a beard. Dye your hair. We'll think of something."

XXXXXX

No matter how hard Rey tried, she couldn't completely close her mind to the images that were pouring in on her. She didn't want to see that, didn't want to get sucked into it. It was too much. too close. too personal. Of course, deep down she knew Ben had had feelings beyond anger, but for the ice-cold general of all people? How could he had loved such a person? But from what she witnessed here, she could see that Hux was only human, too. A man with feelings like hope, love and the desire for a future. 

All gone. Forever lost by the choices he made.

Knowing that, combined with the pain that was storming in on her every night, it hollowed her out and made her thin-skinned. Yet she stood behind her decision with all its consequences. Hux was a criminal and had to be put on trial and punished. If she had been cruel, she would have wished him to sit in this cell for the next twenty years and slowly perish in his agony, but she was not like that. She hoped for him as well as for herself that the waiting would soon come to an end. Of course she could turn her back on the base at any time and just leave. No one would stop her. She held no public office, had no obligations, but to leave now would have seemed like an escape. Like she was too much of a coward to see it through to the end. No, she had captured Hux and she would stay until his trial had begun and ended.

Although it seemed longer to her, in the end it was only a few weeks until his trial was finally scheduled. Although there was great interest in it, the authorities had decided not to hold a public trial. The galaxy was only just beginning to heal from the horrors of the First Order, and a media spectacle would not have been helpful, had it only torn open the wounds again and in the worst case led to a hunt for alleged spies. Nevertheless, the holonews were full of speculation on the first day of the trial when Rey passed the public projectors. She was only watching the trial as a spectator, yet Hux's gaze was only on her as he was led into the room. Thanks to medical help, his wounds had almost healed in the meantime, which was why he was able to enter the courtroom straight and with his head raised. 

Pale but unyielding, with his face motionless, he followed the charges, heard the testimony of the witnesses, watched his own propaganda speech on the monitor before the shooting of Starkiller, without even showing any emotion. Although he had benn allowed a lawyer, the former general had waived his right to legal counsel, but even he himself made no attempt to refute the accusations. Silently he sat in his chair until the end of the day, then the court decided to adjourn and he was taken back to his cell. This procedure was repeated for almost a week, as the material against him was so extensive. Hux himself was also given the opportunity to testify, but he preferred to remain silent until the sentence was finally pronounced on the sixth day.

Guilty on all counts. 

The execution was scheduled for the next morning.

It was almost uncanny how calmly he took the news. Not a sound came over his lips, not a muscle twitched in his face when he learned of his near death. Instead, he seemed perfectly calm as the court usher led him out of the room one last time. Rey knew she should feel some kind of satisfaction. It was a victory of justice against the past tyranny of the First Order, but when she looked at him as he walked away, with shackles on his arms and legs, it was hard for her to still see the general in him. Instead, she now saw the man who would be dead in less than a day, and though she had not spoken to him since her arrival on Corouscant, she felt the urge within her to see him again before it was irrevocably too late.

The food on the table in front of him had hardly been touched, although Rey had been assured that it was specialties from his homeland that Hux had ordered. But even if he did not otherwise show that the verdict affected him, it seemed to have taken away his appetite in view of his imminent death. The guard made preparations to wait next to the door when Rey entered the room, but she didn't want his protection. Didn't need it. She wasn't afraid of Hux. He was no longer a threat, even to her. She greeted the former general with a nod before sitting down at the table opposite him. On the wall next to the bed hung a neatly First Order uniform, probably recovered from one of the crashed ships. It was not Hux's uniform, but the stripes on the shoulders clearly showed that it corresponded to his rank after all. Hux's gaze followed hers, and there was almost a little longing in his gaze as he examined the familiar clothing.

"It seems you have no fear of death," Rey said to break the silence.

"No, I don't," Hux replied in a voice that had become rough from the long weeks of silence. "Death doesn't scare me, only what comes after it."

Confused, she frowned. "What do you mean?"

But instead of answering her, he asked a counter question. "What did you see after you died?"

Given the circumstances it was a legitimate question, because of that Rey took the it seriously to answer as truthfully as possible. "I don't know. Seen, I guess, nothing, but I felt safe and secure."

Hux closed his eyes for a moment, as if he had to digest her words before finally replying: "The only thing I fear is that he's not there. That the force has led him to another place I cannot reach."

Rey was surprised to hear him speak so openly. It was probably because he had nothing to lose anymore, that he confided in her. "I can't say for sure, of course, but I think he'll be there," she softly returned. "That he is waiting for you."

His lips twisted into the caricature of a smile before he finally gave back. "It won't be long before I will find out."

XXXXXX

The inner courtyard of the building complex was bare. It was a plain, concrete square without plants, surrounded on four sides by high walls, but above it you could see the blue sky. Rey didn't know exactly why she was doing this to herself, but since her last conversation she knew for sure that she had to be here today. She would not forgive herself if she had not stayed until the end. It was almost grotesque to see Hux being led into the yard by three armed guards, as if they feared he might escape now. Apparently they had cut his hair at his request, for he now looked as flawless as she had seen him often in her nightmares before. Clean-shaven, combed and in his neatly uniform, he was a role model soldier of the First Order.

Rey couldn't help but admire him for how firm his step was. He didn't even falter when he saw the soldiers who had already lined up when he was led to the wall. They were four young men, former resistance fighters who had been carefully selected for the cause so that they could carry out the mission properly. It would not have been the first time that someone had come up with the idea of shooting in the legs or in the intestines instead of the chest to make the condemned man suffer before he died. But not today. It didn't matter how much the galaxy may have suffered under General Hux, this was not a path they would dispute. 

Hux had refused a blindfold, but Rey had expected nothing less. He would show no weakness at the moment of dying. Wanted to face death fearlessly when it came for him. Still, his gaze flickered briefly to her as the soldiers put him in position. Although they were not alone, only Rey could feel how loud his heart was beating. How he tightened, swallowed dry, then raised his chin.

'He will be there,' Rey projected into his head and she believed in it strongly.

Hux nodded almost imperceptibly, then the soldiers released their blaster on command. An involuntary tremor went through his body as the weapons were put on and Rey tried to make it easier for him by sending the perfect illusion into his mind:

Warm, bright sunshine over wide, green fields. A farmhouse with a white fence. A shaggy, black animal running across the meadow and stopping in front of a man in a blue shirt and dark pants. Ben Solo smiled, hands in his pockets, while he seemed to be waiting for something or someone.

Rey flinched involuntarily as the shots were fired almost simultaneously. Every single one hit its target without exception. Immediately there was a smell of ozone, burnt clothing and the heavy coppery aroma of blood. The force of the blaster fire had thrown Hux's body backwards against the wall. His bound hands twitched, blood ran from his mouth and he gasped for air reflexively as he sank slowly down to the floor. One last time he gazed up to the sky, then the light in his eyes went out and his head tilted to the side. 

Armitage Hux, General of the First Order and the creator of Starkiller, was dead.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any right to Star Wars, the characters or the Lyrics. Mine is only the idea to the story and I don't earn any money with my Writing. I do it only for the love of the Writing itself.


End file.
